M&M wars

Whenever I get a packet of M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue
the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this
end, I hold M&M duels.
Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply
pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks
and splinters. That is the “loser,” and I eat the inferior one
immediately. The winner gets to go another round.

I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are
tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I
have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive
long in the intense theater of competition that is the modern
candy and snack-food world.

Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen,
or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this
proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives
the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to
adapt to its environment.

When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the
strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this
one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to M&M
Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc., along with a 3×5 card reading,
“Please use this M&M for breeding purposes.”

This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon
for a free 1/2 pound bag of M&Ms. I consider this “grant money.”
I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field
of hundreds, we will discover the true champion.

There can be only one!

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